Jon Cogburn's Blog

VIDEO IDEA 10: Agues Goes Down to Georgia

This demon kid is in his suburban track home in Hell completely rocking out to AC/DC when his demon father (Ashteroth) bangs on the door and is all like, "Turn that crap down. I won't have that noise in the Ashteroth household."  After the demon kid turns it down his father says, "Why don't you listen to wholesome groups like the ones your mom and I listened to when we were your age."  The demon kid is all like, "What do you have against AC/DC, Pop?  They're from Australia.  They rock."  And his Dad says, "Don't lecture to me about rock, son, when I was your age I had to go to the mortal plane uphill each way every single day.  Who is this AC/DC?  Do any of their album covers have dragons on them?  Have they ever worn spandex? permed their hair? worn makeup? put on those ridiculous spiked belts and armbands?  Huh?  Has AC/DC ever dressed up in armor for their videos? Do any of their songs compare motorcyclists to warriors of old? Have they ever penned a power ballad? Huh?"  But then suddenly the camera cues to the boys driving a van in rural Australia.  It's real eerie like that one movie with that guy who was all angry before straightening things out.  Then.  Boom! The van is struck by lightning and transported to another plane of existence.  At this point the boys are literally on a highway to Hell.  They don't freak out too much though.  They calmly pull the van into  a suburban driveway.  That's right.  You guessed it.  The mailbox reads none other than "Ashteroth residence."  This has potential to be very cool.  But unfortunately the elder Ashteroth demon is all like, "Who the hell is that?" and slams his door as he goes out to meet and greet the greatest rock band of all time.  Though the meeting is initially uncomfortable, things turn out O.K. after AC/DC wins the battle of the bands contest held in hell every summer equinox.  The senior and junior Ashteroth reconcile their differences through the power of non-pretentious rock and roll.

VIDEO IDEA 9: Angus Is the Inspiration for Solving Humanity's Most Intractable Problems

The various Nobel Prizes as well as the Fields prize are now called Angus Prizes.  This was the only intellectuallyl honest alternative to awarding these prizes to Angus year after year.  In the ensuing couple of years egghead types work much harder to win Angus prizes than the earlier Nobel and Fields Prizes, because the prestige is so much higher and because there is a feeling that if you win an Angus prize you really rock out.  As a result all of humanity's physical, chemical, medical, literary, peace, economic, and mathematical problems are solved.  

VIDEO IDEA 8: Angus Summons the Ghost of Bon Scott to Return the Plastic Arts to their Rightful Place

These irritating people stand around in the lobby of this gigantic art museum, presumably located in a fashionable urban metropolis.  It's the grand opening of an exhibit titled "Modernism: 100 Years and Counting."  Over by the coatroom stands a pointy-headed, scraggly-goateed, skinny dude clad in turtleneck and slacks, and he's all like, "Kant used logic to critique logic. The modern painter uses paint to critique painting." This while swirling his Pinot Noir in an affected manner.  Another similarly clad human tool-shed nods knowingly while sipping from a bottle of Amstel Light.  Their tall friend arches his eyebrow and says says, "the early Warhol is Hegel made flesh, or should I say made Brillo Box?"  As the other two pedants laugh to show they get the unfunny joke, he swirls his glass of California Viognier. Har-de-har-har.  Har-Har-Har-Har.  These jerks think that all of civilization exists for their amusement, and that all human history leads up to them swirling their drinks in the museum lobby.  It's not a long way to the top for them!  Crap.  But then the cosmic injustice of this congeals and percolates, and it becomes too much.  The universe cannot abide such massive arrogance and pretense.  And there is a solution. That's right.  The opening chords of "Let There Be Rock" make a quick end of the horrible bop jazz blaring in the museum's hi-fi system. Where is this coming from?  Why aren't the pedants rocking out? What's wrong with them? O.K., it's clear now.  They can't hear it yet.  But then Bon Scott (you heard it right, THE Bon Scott) comes up in a waiter's uniform and hypnotizes the art jerks by waiving his ghostly hand in their faces.  Taking advantage of their indisposition, he replaces the one dude's Pinot with a glass of genuine Australian Shiraz.  Then as Bon is rocking out a bit, he knocks the Amstel Light out of the other guy's hand, replacing it with God's own beer.  That's right.  Foster's. Foster's in a huge can.  Can the art creep handle it?  Before this question can be answered Bon replaces the Viognier  with a genuine glass of New Zealand Sauvingnon Blanc.  Then Bon snaps his fingers. The art jerks imbibe their new beverages and all of the sudden they can hear the song, and in the greatest event in their heretofore meaningless lives, they can actually see Bon Scott.  Then it becomes clear that Bon has replaced everyone in the lobby's drink with hard rocking Australian wine and beer. Even though the art jerks are pretentious snobs, doomed to perpetually compliment this or that emperor's new clothes, they actually start to rock out.  True rock is these bastards' Achilles' Heel.  Can it get any better, you ask?  Yes, it can.  Bon starts to sing.  He dominates. He just rocks out.  He rocks out more and more until he finally opens the door to the exhibit, thus revealing five of the six greatest human beings to ever draw breath.  Angus, Malcolm, Phil, and Cliff are completely rocking out to "Let There Be Rock."  Angus is wearing a choir robe with a halo over his head.  Brian Johnson stands to the side, listening intently, incredibly moved that the ghost of the vocalist he replaced is back with the band on this one, this most perfect, day.  Then Angus and Bon start to run through the museum, the art snobs now obliterated on hearty Australian drinks, trying to run after them.  Every time Bon sings "Let there be rock," he points to a pretentious painting and it magically transforms. An entire room of that polish guy's paint drips turns into pictures of dogs playing poker.  Those gigantic canvasses painted red by that one guy turn into cool pictures of ducks.  These pictures of red, blue, and yellow squares (like the pattern on those sheets we used to sell at K-Mart) turn into nice landscapes one might buy in an airport.  Everybody is happy and rocking out.  However, there is unfortunately this one dude that never imbibed in the Australian beer and wine, and he's all like, "I don't get this exhibit.  It manifests a crude neo-empiricist sensibility."  But then Bon is like, "This manifests my Australian tennis shoe kicking your pedantic rear-end!"  But before doing that, the guy drinks some Foster's and stops being such a tool.  Everybody's rocking out now.  Finally, at the song's crescendo all of the materials in the sculpture garden reconfigure themselves to make a giant sculpture of Bon Scott with Angus Young siting on his shoulders.  The video ends with this new shrine becoming a secular mecca, to which everyone travels at least once in their lives. 

VIDEO IDEA 7: Angus Shows Some Damn Hippies the Combined Power of Rock and Hearty Australian Fare

These stupid hippies are trying to make soup out of stones.  They keep throwing stuff off the ground into a big pot, and they're all like, "Dude, this is cool. I heard about this in that book I read in fourth grade."  But through the subtle art of fine cinematography, the viewer is subconsciously led to think, "Goody for you, you read a book once.  Is that the same book that said you can polish a turd? Is it that one, huh, because I want to know?"  But the idiots are so earnest, they keep just throwing stuff into that pot with a kind of blissed out hippie look on their collective face.  At this point the viewer starts to think, "Look man, if you eat those stones you might get a bleeding peptic ulcer.  Don't do it."  But the filthy hippies remove sporks from their plastic KFC bags and look like for all the world like they're going to start sporking up some stones and possibly fungal matter adhering to said stones.  The camera at this point shows just how horrible the soup looks, all dirty and filthy.  But then, just as the hippies' sporks are reaching their lips, the plaintive tones of one of the best songs ever to be conceived, written, or recorded begin to waft over the horizon.  Wait a minute.  What song is that?  That's right. It's none other than Angus Young's legendary guitar pyrotechnics, here combined with Brian Johnson's astoundingly awesome larynx, now barking out the fricking awesome beginning  lines of the song of all songs, AC/DC's own "Who Made Who."  Who Made Who?!?!?! This rocks so fricking much that every single hippie drops his or her spork.  For a second they're all angry in that typical, infantile hippie way, somewhere between, "F**k the man!" and "I didn't ask to be born!" their sporks now lying in the mud like so many wounded and dead after a debilitating bout of World War I era trench warfare.  But then the hippies hear good music for the first time in their heretofore nasty and brutish lives. This ain't no "jam band."  This ain't no "love in."  You damn hippies. That's right.  This is AC/DC!  Who made who, indeed? Angus starts to solo and run around in his inimitable way.  The hippies don't know what to do with themselves, as awesome rock is completely outside of the range of their presuppositions.  The choice is now clear, a life of eating dirt with the hippies, or a life or rocking out with the greatest rock band of all time.  But the hippies are all confused because they are filthy damn hippies.  Half of them wear fanny packs.  As if to underscore the impasse, Malcolm, Phil, and Cliff rock out even harder (as if that were possible!).  Brian Johnson is just belting out the notes now, more powerful than any man or even machine, his voice reaching to the heights of heavens and the depths of hell.  As Angus and Malcolm reach an amazing crescendo, this cool dude in an AC/DC t-shirt drives up.  What's he driving you ask?  That's right, an authentic Australian fish and chips truck.  The hippies are now all like, "Man I'm cashed, maybe I can beg money off of decent people to buy some fish and chips."  But this world-weary "wisdom" won't stand up to the onslaught of pure rock. Angus rocks out so much that the soon to be ex-hippies can't help but watch and listen.  That's right. Watch and listen hippies. Angus points his guitar in the general direction of the truck.  Suddenly the fish and chips truck has multiplied itself, multiplied to a huge number, with all of the drivers wearing AC/DC t-shirts. The whole world is like, "Dude, screw the hippies with their jam bands, useless benefit concerts, and protest marches. Angus Young has cut the Gordian knot of world hunger."  From that day on there is free fish and chips for everyone, even those of the ex-hippies who are now willing to rock out like decent people.

VIDEO IDEA 6: Angus Unites the World in Rock

The video chronicles a world tour by AC/DC: one country, one show.  As usual, AC/DC rocks so much that it's just mind boggling, miraculous, a deconstruction of the space/time continuum created by the five greatest musicians to ever draw breath.  On this tour, the boys rock so much that the end of each show, the entire country in which they play has a spontaneous moment of silence in honor of those who fell on Gallipoli.  This isn't enough though.  After more reflection, the citizens spontaneously pledge fealty to Australia.  In this manner, at the end of the tour, the world is united.  From this point on there is one country, that's right, the United States of Australia.  After this, everybody rocks out.   While people earnestly desire that Angus be king, Angus himself is not unlike the fabled Cincinatus and Washington of yore; he retires to his farm, to keep rocking out.  But then there's a problem, every new state wants to name its capital after Angus!  This reignites ancient and old hatreds (e.g. Alberta/Victoria).  Rumors arise across the land that Angus is going to come out and clean up this mess.  Maybe the nascent world republic will be a monarchy after all?  But then a compromise arises and the capitals are named after AC/DC songs (e.g. Washington, D.C. is now "Giving the Dog A Bone, America").

VIDEO IDEA 5: Angus Teaches us that Grasping Tragedy is a Moral Imperative

This one dude is totally keeping the faith, just wearing his old AC/DC shirt (the one with just Bon and Angus) and walking down the side of the highway, a highway so barren that it could only be in the outback.  The outback.   Magical land of ancient magical people.  That's right, not just any magical people, but rather the most magical of magical people.  Do I need to say it?  AC/DC. Australia.  Land from where sprung the best possible rock band from any possible world.  The dude is rocking out in his head to "Highway to Hell."  It's totally fricking awesome to be on a highway in Australia rocking out to this song.  If the landscape wasn't so barren all the people around would appreciate this.  But the dude on the road can't stop thinking about Bon Scott.  Dang.  Someone else should have died that horrible February day.  It transcends comprehension.  Is anybody hard enough for this?  Life is unbearable sometimes.  The walking dude wants Angus Young to appear and rock out.  Angus could run up and down the highway playing his Gibson S.G. and maybe his tennis shoes would leave flaming tracks and then everyone would be happy.  Angus is so philosophically attuned that he wouldn't need to talk.  He would just rock out.  But in Portugal there would still be a great earthquake. Maybe the camera could go to a close-up of Angus' face and there would be a tear rolling down his cheek like that Indian dude who didn't like McDonalds hamburgers.  Much chastened, the dude in the t-shirt would look down.  Life is unbearably tragic.  It's almost too much, but then he would notice a copy of AC/DC's multi-C.D. set Bonfire on the road.  But none of that happens.  He's by himself on the road, because we owe it to Bon and ourselves not to paper this over.

VIDEO IDEA 4: Angus Stages an Intervention to Help that Bill Murray Guy be Less of a Whiny Tool and also get Through his Existential Crisis [note: written with Derrick Huff]

The video opens with this old guy in a bar.  Seen only from behind, he gets up from his table and goes over to order a drink. Camera pans around and damn! It's that Bill Murray dude! Go back to Hollywood Bill.  Maybe you haven’t heard.  This is an AC/DC video; you’re acting with the big boys now. But wait a minute; something’s going on. As the camera pans out, who is revealed to light up the stage in said bar?  It’s none other than the greatest rock band of all time.  That’s right. AC/DC.  We see the boys on stage poignantly helping Angus tune his guitar (Phil Rudd is extra helpful here).  We also see their big tattooed fat woman balloon deflating in a poignant manner.  One would think Angus’ guitar had gotten out of tune during a particularly spirited rendition of Whole Lot of Rosie.  One would think.  But then it turns out that mad scientist dude from Back to the Future is tending the bar.  He has a quite, methodical manner, but you can tell he loves AC/DC and that Angus Young brings meaning to his life.  The Bill Murray dude is all "I'll have another one of those, please" in his world-weary-boo-hoo-I-don’t-like-myself way.  But then the camera pans to Angus’ slightly unearthly, yet ultimately non-malicious, smile.  Then it’s back to the Taxi dude mixing the requested concoction.  He puts one of those little umbrellas in Bill Murray’s drink.  (The scene now has a kind of Hellraiser feel, when Cousin Frank first purchased that evil rubics cube thing.) Camera pans back to our heroes, fully decked out onstage as Angus puts hands on his now impeccably tuned guitar.  The soulful melody of "Have a Drink On Me" starts issuing from his battle scarred guitar.  Have a Drink on Me!  Everyone in the bar is hyped.  But then the Bill Murray dude is such a tool that he actually says, "These guys suck." After thus offending all the gods of the rock and roll pantheon, he turns and walks all slow motiony back to his seat, camera panning in on that little umbrella thing.  Everyone else in the bar realizes that it is probably only through the divine intervention of AC/DC that Zeus and John Bonham together don’t strike Bill Murray down.  But Angus just wails on the guitar.  He rocks out.  Brian Johnson wails on the chorus.  Angus rocks out some more, but not so much that he can’t present Mr. Murray with the patented "evil eye." As Angus triumphantly rocks into his guitar solo, everyone in the bar starts to think “Damn this is the best guitar solo ever.”  Almost everyone that is. In a bit of foreshadowing they think, “I wouldn’t mind hearing this guitar solo, over and over again until finally one day that Bill Murray dude stops being such a pathetic tool.”  To accentuate this, a scantily clad Andie MacDowell table dances with ever-increasing fervor. As she really starts to dance really fast, white fire shoots from Angus'  guitar, precisely hitting the little umbrella on Bill's drink and also giving him something of a jolt. As the band raucously finishes the song, Bill, seen only from behind, gets up from his chair and goes over to order a drink. Something’s going on.  We see the boys on stage poignantly helping Angus tune his guitar (Phil Rudd is extra helpful here).  We also see their big tattooed fat woman balloon deflating in a poignant manner.  One would think Angus’ guitar had gotten out of tune during a particularly spirited rendition of Whole Lot of Rosie.  One would think. . . 

VIDEO IDEA 3. Angus Defeats that Star War Dude [note: written with Dave Merli, and only ending written.]

Right before the solo Darth Sideous blasts Angus with Evil Lightning, which hits him just as he's playing a long sustsained note on the guitar.  He's grimacing anyway, totally covered in lightning, and everyone in the band is like, oh my God, is Angus going to be ok?  And Sideous is all cackling like, who's got the jack now?  But then Angus' fingers start moving again, and he's soloing his rear end off, and then he shoots the lightning back and saves the day for the side of Rock.

VIDEO IDEA 2. Angus Solves the Energy Crisis

Boys are rocking by a nuclear power plant.  They just rock and rock.  Then Brian Johnson starts hitting some really high notes, squeezing up his face and closing his eyes, giving 100%.  As he rocks harder and harder, whole city blocks of lights down below start to go out.  The city dwellers threaten to riot because it's dark.  Angus scales the fence and defeats some nuclear power plant guards on his way inside.  When it looks like all is lost, he plugs his guitar into the generator and starts a really loud solo.  He solos and runs around the cooling tower, just maniacally.  Due to Angus' hard fought rocking, the lights come back on in the city, but now all of the radios spontaneously turn on to AC/DC.  People start just rocking out instead of rioting.  Then, when Angus' solo hits its climax, everybody's radios spontaneously combust from sheer rockness.  The electricity again dies, but nobody needs nuclear electricity any more because now they've got the power of rock. The town is lit up by the infinite supply of flash paper and pyro in the constantly exploding radios.  The suits running the nuclear power plant are not happy, because they are now obsolete, an evolutionary dead end not unlike the fabled dodo bird.  They panic, running out of the plant, only to run into the boys' rhythm section.  Malcolm, Phil, and Cliff  rock out some and the execs all spontaneously combust, running around with fire shooting out of their necks where heads used to be.  In the town below, people raise an AC/DC flag in the main flagpole, declaring a benevolent dictatorship with Angus as dictator and the rest of the boys as his privy council (with Bon Scott as an ex officio member)..

VIDEO IDEA 1 Angus Saves the Olympics (written with Chris Ray)

Video begins with the boys rocking out in an Olympic stadium.  Choreographed with the music is the beginning of a sprint.  Boys rock.  Sprinters sprint.  But wait a minute, who is that closing from behind?  It's Angus!!!!! running along while playing his guitar.  During the solo he passes all the non-rocking Chariots-of-fire wimps, and while running up some stairs knocks over some old guy with a torch (Muhammed Ali).  The torch falls in some water and everyone's upset.  But Angus is still rocking.  He gets to the top of the stairs by where the Olympic flame should be.  He's rocking harder and harder, running around, falling on his back spinning on the ground.  People in the audience start to rock out, forgetting about Ali's broken fibula bone and the wet torch.  Then, at the absolute peak of guitar god rocking, Angus' guitar spontaneously combusts from sheer rockness.  Angus lights the Olympic fire with his burning guitar, officially beginning the Olympic games.